I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
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We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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