please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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