I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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