My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went