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I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
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