I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.