I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
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I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
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Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.