he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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