You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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