What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
