Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
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I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
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It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
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