Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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