Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
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