sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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