I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
