Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
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