I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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