If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Duck Duck Cougar?
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Randomize
