Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
