is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Randomize
