just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
