my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
