I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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