Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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