I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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