We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
