i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
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