Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
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Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
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25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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