I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Randomize
