what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
