someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
