Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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