I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
