This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Randomize
