I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
