life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
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