You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
