Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
