you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
