Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
