we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
