Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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