went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
