first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
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