I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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