dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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