Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Your dad touched me again.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
