just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Randomize
