The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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