1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
