I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
