Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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