My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
