I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
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I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
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I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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