i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Every concussion has its silver lining
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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