wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
