How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I lost the right to judge tonight
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
